Makeup Counter Mishaps
by unjaundiced
Summary: I think this place is making me gay... Iruka takes a dip in the Nile and Kakashi is just obnoxious. Surgeon General's Warning :: It's pure AU!CRACK!


So, it's crackalackin... Somebody STOP me! It's a return of the crack. It's drabbles gone wild. I need a better ending too -_-;;; [still taking suggestions on that btw]

You'll catch it pretty quickly, but i'ts AU and they're all college age and work in a pharmacy/cum market.

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**Makeup Counter Mishaps**

Iruka bit back a sigh and resisted the urge to sit on the floor or lie the upper part of his body on the counter. Really, being a cashier just sucked and being stuck at the cosmetics counter was a lot more boring than working as a regular shift cashier. Sure it was easier, but there were a lot less customers and he was getting a little tired of all the women and girls coming by asking for tips on their hair and makeup or on how to attract the attention of men. Did he look like he was gay or something?

It was somewhat of an unfortunate thing that their store was the most popular of all the pharmacy cum markets. It might have had something to do with the fact that all of his friends from school worked there. It might also have helped that all of his friends were extremely attractive males. It might have helped less that he was starting to suspect that working in this building was slowly turning them all into flaming homosexuals.

It had started with Genma breaking up with his girlfriend and hanging out more and more with Raidou who, for some strange reason, had developed a really strange flush when Genma would make some very suggestive motions with his ever-present toothpick. Iruka couldn't blame Raidou. He felt a little flushed and uncomfortable seeing Genma do THAT with it.

Then came his neighbor Naruto and his self-proclaimed eternal rival, or former eternal rival rather. He'd abandoned that title when he'd been hired over the summer and heard Gai and his cousin, Lee, ranting about Eternal Rivals and their need to be Glorious In The Springtime Of Their Youth. Iruka couldn't blame him. He also supposed that hanging out with Sasuke, former-eternal rival, no capitals, was an acceptable form of self-defense against the sudden over-abundance of youth. Though he was quite sure that didn't explain Sakura suddenly dating Lee or those weird exchange kids, Gaara and Sai, who were always hanging around. Maybe it was something in the water?

There was the case of Izumo and Kotetsu to consider, though those two had always been as close as a Greaser and his comb. Naruto and ramen? Naruto and Sasuke maybe… Iruka was certain that the building was slowly eating his brain too. In any case, he turned his head so he could claim ignorance. They were NOT currently camping out in the hair products section looking like they were constructing a nuclear bomb or starting some kind of Molotov meth lab. If those were exploding dye bombs, he was NOT going to be the one to clean up their broken bodies after the manager, Tsunade, was finished with them. The graduate student had some major guns on her and was more manly than almost all of them. But no one would say something like that and not come out of it looking like he'd been in a fight with anything less than a steamroller that had been hybridized with a rabid Kodiak grizzly.

Okay so maybe Tsunade wasn't a flaming homosexual, but her boyfriend WAS a self-proclaimed and self-publishing "Super Pervert™" who made sure to "pay equal attention to all kinks and pleasures so no one feels left out". Not to mention THEIR childhood friend was the Okama Queen himself, Orochimaru. Not that anyone would ever say anything against him. Word on the street was that he was a lieutenant in the Yakuza or something like that. His freaky little boy toy, Kabuto, was something else too. Iruka was pretty sure Kabuto was trying to solicit him to do some kind of freaky experiments on or something. Noooo thank you.

Gai, while not a flaming homosexual— he had been dating Shizune since they were all in high school together— was flamboyantly green enough for five homosexuals to be significantly un-ignited. Gai combined with Lee covered the bases for at least eight pyrophobic homosexuals.

Whatever. Iruka didn't want to think of Gai and his ridiculousness any longer. Speaking of Gai, or thinking of him, always brought the devil, which in Iruka's case meant Gai's Most Beloved, Hip And Modern Eternal Rival, Hatake Kakashi himself. Now THAT was the enigma.

Girls and guys would sudden begin to appear as if they were ninjas of some sort at the start of Kakashi's shift even though everyone knew he would make sure to show up 2.5 hours late exactly. Coincidentally, the same time Iruka started his shift. He was sure it was just to aggravate him.

Kakashi was in Iruka's Physics class, even though he was older and quite the genius. He slept through all his classes or made sure to sit next to Iruka, doodling on his books and whispering stupid things about "frictionless planes" in impossibly erotic tones. Iruka flushed at the thought. He was straight, dammit! And math shouldn't be sexy! It was the building's fault.

Iruka wasn't sure how Kakashi got away with it all, but he was sure that he was related to Tsunade somehow; second cousin thrice removed or something like that. How did the term go? Close enough to claim relation but enough apart that your kids won't come out looking like rabid Oompa Loompas? Whatever.

He knew that Kakashi had enough pull to show up late, pull out that age-restricted PORN that Tsunade's boyfriend gleefully penned, at the register no less, wear an absurd amount of ear piercings for a place that had a "No more than 2 piercings total, one in each ear only" rule, always found a way to cover the bottom of his face, and had ridiculously messy and long hair in a strange silvery blonde he was absolutely sure had to come out of a bottle. Even he and Genma had to keep their hair up and out of their faces. Izumo and Kotetsu were basket cases, so Tsunade had to satisfy herself with trying to keep their destructiveness down, never mind the dress code violations. They spent most of their time destroying the stockroom anyhow.

Speaking of the devil… As if he'd been summoned, Kakashi appeared before Iruka, eyes curved happily— okay just one, the left one was always hidden behind a fall of that ridiculous hair of his— chin resting on his hands as he crouched down before Iruka's counter peering perkily up at him.

"Maa, Iruka-chan."

"I told you not to call me that," Iruka gritted out.

"Maa, maa… Iruka-chan," Kakashi obviously needed a hearing aid.

Iruka looked around seeking help. There would be no rescue forthcoming unless Izumo and Kotetsu finished their, whatever they were making, and exploded it on Kakashi in the next 3 seconds. He waited with no luck.

"Maa, Iruka-chan! How rude of you to ignore me," Kakashi practically purred. Iruka felt himself begin to flush.

"What do you want," he bit out, forcing himself to look down to see his upperclassman making the most ridiculous Bambi-eye ever.

"I need your help."

Iruka perked up at this, though more in suspicion than anything else. If Kakashi was asking for favors, he was going to be asking for trouble.

"What do you need help with, Kakashi?" Be polite, Iruka thought. You've taken acting classes before! It was part of the high school curriculum!

"I need you to help me find a headband."

Iruka's brain stuttered a little and he gaped.

"What."

"Tsunade-nee said I should consider getting a hair cut… with her fist. She's so mean. And I said no and she said I have to and I said no and then she got Jiraiya involved and now here I am."

Iruka wasn't quite sure what he thought of this explanation. It all seemed rather silly and Kakashi was known to be a liar. If something sounded like it might possibly be true— coming from his mouth? It had to be a lie. He decided to play along to see where the punch line was.

"You know… People already question your sexuality," he muttered.

"It's okay, I already know I'm a guy." Iruka felt a headache starting.

"Not that kind of sexuality."

"It's okay, I know the answer to that too."

Iruka was getting a little annoyed by the banter. It was a miracle he hadn't strangled the idiot by now.

"Fine." He turned and grabbed a random headband off the stand behind him. "Here you go, now go away."

Kakashi stared at the silver-toned rhinestone-encrusted headpiece.

"I am not a pretty, pretty princess, Iruka. That's more your style."

Iruka slapped him across the back of his head without thinking. Kakashi pouted and rubbed his head muttering something about dominating uke's. Iruka narrowed his eyes and Kakashi immediately plastered the most innocent expression he could on his face. Iruka was not convinced.

He huffed a little before handing Kakashi a slightly less feminine headband, grumbling a little about skinny-assed wastes of time. Kakashi didn't even have the grace to look offended as he tried on the headband. His hair stood straight up and out like a silvery mane, or a halo, or like he'd just stuck his finger into an electrical outlet and taken a few thousand volts to his system. Iruka couldn't help but be absolutely charmed by the ridiculous image. That first sight of Kakashi's left eye bisected by the faintest line of scar tissue from a long ago car crash wasn't hard on the eyes either.

Iruka felt himself flush a little and had to look away. Maybe he'd have to quit this job, even though the people were entertaining and the pay was good. The building was seriously starting to affect him adversely if he was starting to look Kakashi over of all things.

"I think I'm going to have to quit," he muttered hopelessly.

"Why," came a sudden and rather sharp response. Kakashi was suddenly more alert than Iruka had ever seen, headband abandoned on the counter, eyes intense and boring into him.

"I think this place turns people gay," he responded without thinking. To that, Kakashi blinked once then burst out in helpless laughter, burying his face in his arms. It took him a while to compose himself.

In that time, Izumo and Kotetsu had gotten caught by Kurenai after they'd stained her dress with bright blue hair dye and were currently clinging to each other begging for their lives. Genma had cornered Raidou by the sunglasses rack and was attempting to romance him with a pair of Raybans. Naruto accidentally spilled instant ramen on Sasuke though he REALLY shouldn't have been eating that at his register OR been making those kinds of gestures to Sasuke in the first place. Gai had pirouetted in while doing some random Capoeira-like moves ranting about Springtime again complete with Day-Glo spandex and covered in glitter from theater practice. And then the Okama Queen walked in in full drag.

It seems like Orochimaru just won the Universal Show Queen title, Iruka thought distantly.

"Oh, Iruka. Don't you know? We're all mad here. That's all it is. It's just the asbestos talking," Kakashi said with a grin that could be seen through his mask.

"Do tell," Iruka deadpanned.

Tsunade came barreling out the back door looking suspiciously flushed, waving a bottle of sake with a creepy looking Jiraiya, tissues stuffed up his nose, trailing after as they congratulated Orochimaru on WHATEVER it was he'd been doing in that dress. Izumo and Kotetsu fled to the stockroom with their dye bombs when Asuma walked in and distracted Kurenai. Genma accidentally knocked over the tower of sunglasses and was blushingly trying to help Raidou pick them up. Naruto was yelling at Sasuke over the spilled ramen. And Gai? Only Gai saw what happened next.

In the midst of the madness Kakashi pulled his mask down, wrapped an arm around Iruka over the counter and leaned in to whisper something in his ear that made him blush like Rudolph's nose and nod shyly.

The ever tactful Gai met Kakashi's eye, grinned his widest grin and gave his Number One Best Good Guy pose ever before turning and joining in the madness.

Years later Kakashi and Iruka would laugh, cuddled up on their couch, at how that day had gone. And after all these years, Iruka would still remember the words that had gotten him.

"All these things I do, I do so you keep your eyes on me. Won't you meet me half way? Just once is all I ask for."

And his answer was, "Always."


End file.
